Name: “Mad Dog” Mike Pittman

Sign: Leo, the Scorpion Bull

Hometown: Lynchburg, TN

Occupation: killing shit and eatin’ it

According to documents that were obviously not written in crayon on bourbon-stained cocktail napkins, Mike Pittman can trace his lineage back through Wolverine to Jack Daniels and Paul Bunyan before that. These papers also state that Mike’s family is so manly that there are no women in it. As he explains it, when it comes time for the male to reproduce, they scrape off pieces into a microwave-safe dish, add beer and steak seasoning, and then cook until the middle is pink. During the shoot, he thrice threatened to use the chainsaw on us if we “didn’t shut the hell up.”

Name: Big Jammin’

Sign: Libra

Hometown: Macon, GA

Occupation: Mixologist/Humorist

Known for his speed and defensive prowess, John Michael “Big Jammin’” Cunard was selected by the Milwaukee Brewers in the 12^th round of the 2002 Major League Baseball draft. Jammin’ quickly rose through the ranks, becoming the organization’s top prospect and landing a roster spot on Opening Day in 2004. On the night before his debut, The Jam frequented some of Milwaukee’s finest brewhouses and made a life-altering decision to leave baseball and become a drunk. After capturing the title of “Mr. Jacksonville” in the ’06 Bar Games, he woke up in Macon and has been working for cab fare every since.

Name: The Rev

Sign: Pisces… wrapped in bacon and char-grilled

Hometown: Macon, GA by way of Dallas, TX and Hotlanta

Occupation: Keeping the parish happy.

Some call him Matthew Able, but those people are lame. After all, this is the man who started the pool-sun-suds-centric First Mable Church of Aqua—to call him anything other than “The Rev” is either ignorant or just plain disrespectful. Every Sunday in the summer, The Rev leads his congregants through a relaxing afternoon of enjoying the wonder of God’s great outdoors. Despite the weather being a tad nippier than usual for “church”, The Rev jumped right in and showed us just how they get down in the summer time.

Name: Senor Montalbán Tostadabuns, Jr.

Sign: Capricorn

Hometown: Fantasy Island

Occupation: Royal Agitator of Ashley Towers

Montalbán first appeared to us bareback on a stallion as white as God’s robes. Clueless of his history, this much we know: He could, at will, make a jet ski materialize on land or water. During times of stress, he would summon the ghosts of Bill Bixby, Bob Denver, Sonny Bono and Robert Goulet—and they’d make him a mojito. And whenever he told a joke, the theme from Fat Albert accompanied the punchline. Mysterious to the end, Monty drove away in an orange Dodge Aspen station wagon with a Safari top and six members of the Brazilian women’s soccer team inside.