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You're So Macon If....
-- Chris Horne
Email Your You're So Macon If to...
 You’re So Macon If…
A couple years ago, we decided to put a few “You’re So Macon If…” one-liners in our annual City Guide issue. Shortly after, we noticed the theme reappeared in email forwards and Myspace bulletins. Obviously, Macon loved the idea of poking a little fun at itself. So, of course, we turned it into a contest last year and included reader submissions in the 2007 City Guide. But that wasn’t enough. The buzz got bigger and so this year, we decided to dedicate an entire issue to it.
As weird as it might seem, this little contest has turned into one of the more viral and organic catalysts for civic pride that we’ve seen in a while. That’s doubly interesting considering that we just put out a feature story about a survey that details what Macon thinks of itself. In the hundreds and hundreds of submissions from all over the area—including a few global contributions from Macon expatriates—you get a great sense that no matter how many themes reoccur, this is a complex and interesting community. No one person could embody all these elements, and yet, each one rings true somehow. (Except maybe the weird ones we put in at the bottom.)
With minimal editing and no further adieu, here’s the best of 2008’s “You’re So Macon If…” starting with our winner.
You’re so Macon if… You sweat Nu-Way chili. – Ainsley Askew
 About our winner: It’s funny because it’s true. In Macon, especially in the summer, we all sweat and given our propensity for Nu-Way Weiners “all the way”, well… yeah, you get it. As gross as that might be, it’s still better than the story illustrator Craig Hamilton tells. After eating at Nu-Way, Craig’s mom was rushed to the hospital to give birth to him. So, we guess “You’re so Macon if a Nu-Way Weiner puts you into labor.” But we digress… Our winner is Ainsley Askew, a real estate appraiser in Macon, who has been proud to call this her home for the whole 25 years of her existence. Ainsley says that, for fun, she and her friends go to CJs, eat some of “Marc's fabulous refried wings” and look for the Surfing Burrito in The 11th Hour.
Ainsley wins four passes to this year’s Cherry Blossom Street Party, a Mack Town Down T-shirt, tickets to the Cox Capitol Theatre, food from the famous Whistle Stop Café, a Macon book from the Golden Bough, IVP gift certificates—and she’ll be among the first people in Macon to get their own Ingleside Village Pizza pint glass. Plus, she’s invited to make a guest appearance on The 11th Hour TV Show. Not to mention the admiration and respect of everyone in Middle Georgia.
FOOD and DRINK
You’re so Macon if…
Your health plan lists Nu-Way Weiners as a pre-existing condition. – W. Asbury Stembridge, Jr.
Your favorite vegetables are macaroni and cheese, French fries and Brunswick stew. – Churchill Blenheim
You can recite the beer menu at IVP. – Penny Kojak
You think hotdogs from the grocery store are anemic because of the super red ones you get at Nu-Way. – Pat Judd
You’ve walked out on multiple bar tabs at the Hummingbird and subsequently had them purchased and framed by Dan Zook. – Miles Williams
You identify yourself politically with what BBQ restaurant you choose. – Churchill Blenheim
You depend on winning gift cards at trivia to supply your main source of drinking money. – Alex Bender
PEOPLE, PLACES and THINGS
You’re so Macon if…
When giving directions, your reference points are churches or where businesses used to be. – Sarah Gerwig-Moore
Your church is bigger than your school – Jann Baggins
You can recognize, by school, a group of soccer moms by their dress. – Charles McCullough
You remember when there really was a college on College Street. – Ben Sandifer
You drive from Arby's to Wesleyan College in the suicide strip (center turning lane) as if it’s your personal HOV lane. – W. Asbury Stembridge, Jr.
You know that North Macon is not just a geographic term, it's an attitude! – Bert Hahn
You have ever said the words “Cruise Zeb” – Scott Barrett
You apologize to the local panhandlers for not carrying cash. – Kim Brackett
You know what a bum means when he asks for 67 cents versus when he asks for 27 cents. – Alex Bender
You go to the Department of Labor to check your email and never look for a job! – Sabrina Lewis
You know something about a person by asking what side of the river they live. – Katie McDaniel
You refer to going across town as “getting across the river.” – Greg Dinkins
A fight breaks out at the Mall and, instead of running, you grab your camera phone. – Ainsley Askew
You're working on a website call mallfights.com – Jann Baggins
You got any trashier, you’d be in Roberta. – Ainsley Askew
You don't even have to think about how to pronounce "Pio Nono" – Ben Sandifer
You know why it is named Pio Nono – Charles McCullough
You thought the "Polar Bear" on Vineville was on the outskirts of town.—Bill Elder
You think the traffic on Vineville Avenue is actually traffic.—Sarah Gerwig-Moore
You have never been east of Chi-Chesters on Vineville. – Charles McCullough
SPORTS AND RECREATION
You’re so Macon if…
You didn't attend the Tour De Georgia because you can't stand the goddamn French. – Jann Baggins
You know that Macon Whoopie is not a euphemism for sweet love-making. – Tajhid Robinson
You have paid for a massage after 9pm in a place with a neon sign. – Alex Bender
You supported the Macon Music on a weekly basis but never saw a minute of the game because of the 2-for-1 beer! – Mindy Attaway
Ya didn't want Pete Rose's autograph when he was with the Peaches, and ya didn't want Chipper Jones’s or Andrew Jones's autographs when they were with the Macon Braves. – Steve Veader
You’ve been tempted to climb the scaffolding around the Dempsey. – Alex Bender
You still believe you should be off work or out of school the first day of the fair. – Pat Judd
You've played "Take me out to the Ballgame" on the kazoo for 15 minutes straight to get in the Guinness Book of World Records. – Mindy Attaway
You still refer to Ocmulgee National Monument as "the Indian mounds" – Ben Sandifer
You consider the Ocmulgee river to be "looking good" if it's above 5'. – Katie McDaniel
You’ve floated down the Ocmulgee with beer safely beside you on its own personal float. – Mindy Attaway
You remember when we had a raft race with proceeds going to clean up the river after the raft race. – Ben Sandifer
You constantly whine that there's nothing to do in town, but on nights that there is something to do, you stay home and watch whatever you Tivo'd that week. – Cody Oxley
CHERRY BLOSSOM
You’re so Macon if…
You know all those pink ribbons on mailboxes have nothing to do with giving birth to baby girls. – Penny Kojak
You still have cherry blossoms painted on your car in September (and you are even MORE Macon if March rolls back around and all you have to do is take your car in for a few touch-ups). – Emily Allgood Griffin
Your only sports coat is pink. – W. Asbury Stembridge, Jr.
Your dog wears a pink collar. – Penny Kojak
Your dog is pink. – Penny Kojak
You didn’t think there was anything wrong with last year’s slogan, “25 Years in the Pink.” – Churchill Blenheim
You were Little Miss Cherry Blossom, Queen or Princess Cherry Blossom, AND Cherry Blossom Senior Queen or Princess. – Emily Allgood Griffin
You realize it's just a damned tree. – Penny Kojak
MUSIC and NIGHTLIFE
You’re so Macon if…
Your drummer quits and it wrecks the whole music scene. – Aaron Irons
You wish people "Happy Bragg Jam" and "Happy First Friday" like they're real holidays. – Roger Riddle
You saw Sam and Dave, “Wicked” Wilson Picket, Freddie and the Flintstones, Otis and James Brown at the City Auditorium – Patrick Topping
You had your prom picture taken at Duane Allman's grave. – Ali Wilson
You think Tony Tyler could be "the next Duane Allman" – Jann Baggins
You say things like "The Next Duane Allman" – Jann Baggins
You consider the Allman Brothers family. – Emily Allgood Griffin
You’ve ever had your face rocked off at the U2charist. – Alex Bender
You know that Hank Vegas is not just one person, and that you won’t find the Hummingbird in any Audubon nature books. – Cynthia Douglass
You buy a whole new outfit, get your hair and nails done, and get a babysitter to make plans three months ahead of time for the Reader’s Choice Awards, like you were going to the Grammys or something. – Ainsley Askew
THE WAY WE WERE…
You’re so Macon if…
Your memory of life's special events is categorized into two eras: before and after the flood. – W. Asbury Stembridge, Jr.
You ever had money riding on Wild Bill Peacock's Gerbil Derby. – F. Lawton
You’ve limboed on skates at Olympia. – Kim Dalton
You went to the Weis Drive-In early so you could get one of the in-car air conditioners – Ben Sandifer
You ever cruised the Pig-N-Whistle – Patrick Topping
You remember when Lanier Jr. High School had a "SMOKE BREAK" between classes. – Steve Veader
You sat on the hill at Central City Park and listened to the Allman Brothers play like it wasn't nothin'. – Renell
You've referred to the "Jesus Saves Building" to give someone directions. – Ali Wilson
When giving directions you still use "the old Cag's" as a land reference. – Bill Elder
POLITICS, WEATHER and OTHER STUFF THAT STINKS
You’re so Macon if…
You laughed whenever someone mentioned the word "honorable" and the name "C. Jack Ellis" anywhere in the same sentence. – Kim Brackett
You know that no one farted; it's just the paper mill. – Penny Kojak
You came back from an out-of-town trip and knew how close to Macon you were by the smell of the paper mill. – Ben Sandifer
You've been working for the City for over 10 years and still make the same hourly wage. – Sabrina Lewis
Your life's goals are apathy, ignorance and fear. – Victor Jones
The closest that you have been to Egypt is Putnam County. – Anthony Harris
You collect Nuwabian memorabilia. – Alex Bender
You love talking about race, but only when there aren’t too many black people around – Jann Baggins
Jack Ellis sold you your first car. – Anthony Harris
You rob a bank on a bicycle and get away with it. – Sabrina Lewis
You can't fathom talking about bad weather without using the word tornadic. – Pat Judd
You resign yourself to the fact that your car will turn a unique shade of green during the last week of winter and for the entire season of spring. – Kim Brackett
Your out-of-town friends keep asking you, "So, what's Jack Ellis up to?" – W. Asbury Stembridge, Jr.
You see a snowflake and head for Kroger, even if you don't need anything. – Ben Sandifer
You cruise sex-offender websites looking for your baby's daddy! – Brian "SUNSHINE" Davis
You're comfortable with 80 degree weather in January. – Mindy Attaway
CELEBRITIES
You’re so Macon if…
You think Mark Ballard IS a celebrity. – DeAnn Dent
Your idea of a comedian is Mark Ballard. – Anthony Harris
You put Mark Ballard's Pumpkin Spice on your Nu-Way Weiner. – Jann Baggins
You were insulted by the country twang of Oprah’s feigned Southern accent. – Sarah Gerwig-Moore
You start your day with a heaping helping of "The Gris" – Jann Baggins
When a thunderstorm rolls in you ask, "What would Ben Jones do?" – Penny Kojak
Frank Malloy and Chris Horne are in your top friends list on Myspace. – Cody Oxley
You remember when Del Ward only had one "Trody." – Bill Elder
You not only had a “Date with Del”, you slept with her too. – Ainsley Askew
You say, "Thanks, Lester," and everyone knows who you’re talking about. – Celina Kolinski
You got into a relationship or ended one based on the advice of the mysterious ‘Mr. Macon Out’. – Emily Allgood Griffin
You have personally met Howie. – Charles McCullough
JUST PLAIN WEIRD
You remember "Little Oscar" meant "Leverette" and not the guy that rode around in the wienie.
You love sitting on your 4th floor balcony downtown and shooting the bums in the alleyway below with your BB gun.
You can run into Johnny Walker at any bar.
You call 911 to report that your dog was stolen from the back of your truck while you were eating at Hooters.
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